The Very Private Thoughts of Numero Uno, God
by Appello
Summary: My version of how God created the universe...written in diary form. Oneshot! Not meant to offend anyone, so strongly religious people probably shouldn't read. Just a joke, please R&R!


Disclaimer: God doesn't belong to me, nor does any other aspect of religion…only the plot!

A/N: This is DEFINITELY not meant to offend anybody. If you are religious, and believe this might offend you, please don't read it and flame me. I'm not interested. Once again, this is just a bit of fun, and isn't meant to mock anybody's beliefs. So for those of you who are going to continue reading, I hope you enjoy!

Summary: My version of how God created the universe…written in diary form

The Very Private thoughts of Numero Uno, the Big Guy, God

By Appello

First Day, Approx 4 500 000 000 BC 

V. Bored. All this space not v. aesthetically pleasing. May have to play with "DIY Chemistry Kit"

-Gift from Zeus. Could be interesting.

Second Day, Approx 4 500 000 000 BC 

Disaster in lab, created one heck of a big bang. Have completely desecrated lab, now floating in chunks around (previously empty) space. Several pieces have caught fire and refuse to be extinguished. On the up side now have big, warm heaters.

Third Day, Approx 4 500 000 000 BC 

Shit. The chemistry proved to have some false advertising. Should have been called "DIY Bio-Chemistry-Which-Will-Create-Small-Selfish-Whining-Creatures Kit." So I now have several little pinky-brown selfish whining creatures running around complaining of the cold. They're really getting on my nerves with their incessant "God can we have this?" "God, can we have that?" Could get used to the reverential tone though.

Fourth Day, Approx….blah blah blah 

Have delegated pesky creatures to chunk of ex-lab. They seemed quite at home once I gave them food, water, and animal friends, etcetera. They were pretty upset to be leaving so I gave them big speech about how they were to be the masters of this new "planet" (fancy words for a chunk of my earthy coloured wallpaper) and that they were to rule over all the other creatures. Find them quite amusing, so told them to reproduce. BAD IDEA. They are now going at it quite like one my first sad attempts in the lab, an ugly creature that occurred when I fused my rug, kitchen fork and several marshmallows. Called that one a rabbit and put it on the scrap heap.

Fifth Day 

Little people still going at it. Must name them, otherwise will probably lose track of who's who. Called skinny one Eve, and muscly one Adam. Warned them against evil looking skinny thing holding apple. Reminds Me too much of that ugly witch in the bedtime story about 7 little men…

Sixth Day 

Small ones deliberately disobeying Me. Talked to skinny evil thing. Also talked back to Me. Getting quite annoying really. Knowing all quite tedious at times, but good to know when people are lying to Me. Have been creating stuff continuously throughout the week, shoving it all on planet "earth". Running out of vital ingredients in Chemistry Kit.

Note to self-Must get new vial of essence of life. That one's been getting a bit of a thrashing.

Seventh Day

So tired from all this inventing. Going to have a short nap. Hope Adam and Eve don't kill themselves. Have evicted them from the "Big God" household for breach of conduct. Will be back after a brief interlude of sleep.

December 20th, 2005 AD

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pesky creatures have taken over small piece of laboratory faster than mould on philly cream cheese! (I swear, you turn your back on that stuff and it develops mould in a nanosecond-another failure with the Chemistry Kit). And now there are 8 billion of the little buggers! (Humans that is, not cream cheese). I think I let myself nap a little too long. Adam and Eve have polluted the air space around their planet so badly that my flies have declared a no fly zone! I don't think there is any chance of cleaning up that mess, no matter how much disinfectant I use. Best throw it on the scrap heap. Better luck next time, I suppose.

Oh, it's tough being an amateur Creator.

End


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